The death of Robin Williams made me think about depression.
I have dealt with depression in my life. I won’t try to say that my depression was comparable to his. I am in my head, I’ve never been in his head. Even now I deal with depression regularly, though it is nowhere near as severe as it once was.
In my late 20s, I went through a very stressful period. I don’t want to get into the gory details, but will say I left a secure job for another job, which fell apart on me, taking all my savings and leaving me in debt. I found a new job, but less secure and not enough to easily cover my bills. I fell in love with someone who ultimately decided she cared for me, but didn’t love me, at least not that way.
I questioned myself very hard, and found I hated myself. I tried alcohol, mostly beer, but it didn’t really help, and I’m not inclined towards alcoholism. I tried pot, and it seemed to help for a while. The high would take the edge off the depression. I never smoked a lot – maybe the equivalent of a joint a day, when I came home from work.
After a while, I found that when I came off the high, the depression came back worse than before. I never before and never since felt the profound sense of self hatred, and self loathing that I did as I came off some of my highs. I remember lying on my bed, writhing in emotional agony, feeling a self hatred that I can’t even describe.
Any aspect of my being, I hated. I’ve always been fairly bright, if nerdy, and not at all athletic. I even questioned my own intelligence. Most people, when dealing with someone not too bright, will treat them kindly. I wondered if I was an intellectual imbecile who was merely being humored by the people around him. There was nothing about myself that I found of value. I even thought about how I might commit suicide – taking a car at very high speed and running flat into a concrete light pole or overpass support, with no one else around to be hurt.
I stopped smoking pot. I decided that the aftermath was so very much worse than the high was good, that it wasn’t worth it. I decided that I really was moderately bright – standardized test scores are not merely trying to be kind, and are quite impersonal. I decided that I needed to look at my life and see what I could change that would improve my self-image.
I was slightly over-weight – not grossly, but some, and very out of shape. I hated my body and my body image. I started doing situps and pushups every day in the evening before I ate dinner. I would not allow myself to eat dinner until I had done them. I started with very few, and for the first few weeks, even those were often uncomfortable. For the record, I still do situps every night before I eat dinner, and it is many years later. I have only missed a very few nights from illness or injury in that time.
Eventually I got into racquetball and later running to improve my shape further. I reached the point, before injuring my foot, of being able to run over 9 miles without stopping. I had to quit for several years to let my foot heal and am now back to running 2 miles.
I looked at what I feared. I was somewhat scared of water, and forced myself to do some swimming in a pool at least, and usually when no one was around. I was afraid of speaking before groups, and took up acting. I was afraid of certain types of insects, and forced myself to touch them, at least a few times. I was afraid of rejection, so I asked girls out even when I doubted if they’d accept. I made myself face my fears, at least a few times in most instances, and often in some cases.
If I could not like myself the way I was, I forced myself to change those things I didn’t like. That cut away some of the underbrush that fueled the fire of my depressions. As I said, I still feel depressed. I also know that whatever I do not like about myself or my life is in my power to at least try to change.
What I did, worked for me, given the issues I faced and given where I started from. Then again, I can’t compare my depression to that of anyone else, and know that what worked for me may not worked for others.